I Was Afraid Of Death, But You Made Me Afraid To Live
by maddiethurowthealchemist
Summary: Izaya was always afraid of death. He believed in no Heaven, and no God. But, once he gets harassed by schoolmates, he wanted to end it. But, he was afraid of death, wasn't he...? Rated M ONLY FOR LOTS OF SWEARING, SUICIDE, MENTIONS OF VIOLENCE, AND A LOT OF BULLYING AND HARASSMENT. I didn't want to take risks so I didn't rate it T, I rated it M. Please R&R and NO FLAMING.


A/N: I randomly came up with this after a read the manga and a few Izaya quotes I hope it's good and I hope you enjoy. :D

Title: I Was Afraid Of Death, Until You Made Me Afraid To Live

Summary: Izaya was always afraid of death. He believed in no Heaven, and no God. But, once he gets harassed by schoolmates, he wanted to end it. But, he was afraid of death, wasn't he...?

WARNINGS: self-harm, suicide, harassment/bullying, crying, and one-sided Shizuo/Izaya and swearing (There is a lot of swearing) and a lot of harassment.

Disclaimer: I do not own this amazing anime called Durarara!. If I did, there would be LOTS of Shizaya and some Mikida.

Take Note Of This While Reading: Italics are thoughts, unless Izaya is emphasizing something, he is stating a title (Example: He may label kids in his school.) or it is the intro right after I finish this sentence. I put Kyohei and Walker in here, also Erika although they didn't attend Raria. Erika and Walker are dating in this, so Erika is also popular. Despite her love for yaoi, she will be one of the unaccepting ones due to the fact in need a group, almost like a clique. Also, italics are used for phone messages and Facebook messages.

_Meet Izaya Orihara. He's a sophomore at Raria Academy. He resides in Ikebukuro, Japan. He was born in Shinjuku, Japan._

I...don't have that many friends. Well, I don't really have _any _friends. In all the years I've attended Raria and the Ikebukuro school district, I was only known to have one friend. Her name is Celty Sturluson. But, now, she doesn't really speak to me anymore. Ever since she started dating Shinra Kishitani, one of the most popular teens in all of Raria. And since then, we have barely talked at all. The most popular kids in Raria are Shinra Kishitani, Kyohei Kadota, Erika Karisawa and her boyfriend, Walker Yumasaki, and Shizuo Heiwajima. And now, Celty too.

Celty and I have been best friends for years. Correction: _were _best friends. She and I were outcasts together, we were inseparable. I knew she had a thing for Shinra, and she talked about him all the time. He was the _only _thing she talked about. _Literally. _She was so _obsessed _with him, she would stalk him all the time and she did anything she possibly could to get him to notice her. And once Shinra finally did ask her out, I was on my own. She just left, like it was _nothing._

That in my opinion, was the _worst _decision someone could ever make. The populars at my school are notorious for harassment. If you get in their way, if you piss them off, they find out something about you incredibly private, they harass you. Or, they just make things up. I've learned to keep things to myself. Things I and I know alone, so no one finds out. I know a few things: I am an atheist, I'm an outcast, and ...I'm gay. I've known that I am gay for years now, and I am really good at keeping it a secret. I am good at faking to like girls, and anything in my power to make sure no one finds out. Here's where the problem is. I'm in love with Shizuo Heiwajima. _I'm in love with him. _I've loved him for years, but if anyone found out, especially him, I would be harassed to no end. I know Shizuo..._isn't _really the nicest person. He doesn't know I have loved him for this long.

As I said, Shizuo isn't the nicest person, but, he's also a _player_ and a _ladies man._ All the girls love him, and he's a jock too. I don't know how or why I fell in love with him, but I did. And I wish I could stop loving him. I'm basically torturing myself with false hopes, and false dreams. He won't ever change. I'm just hurting myself. I know Shizuo is certainly straight, and I _never _plan on admitting these one sided feelings to anyone. I have been harassed a little, but only being called a nerd and outcast. Not really anything bad. But I know 99.9% of the schools population thinks I'm a freak.

As I reach my locker, I open it, and start taking out my books for class. "Hey, Izaya!" I hear a cheerful loud voice, and I jump. The only voice it could be is Cely's. _So now you talk to me. _I see Celty walking towards me...with Shinra. _Are you fucking kidding me? _"Hey, Celty. And, Shinra." I say. Shinra says nothing. _He's such an asshole... _"Izaya, you do know prom is next week, right?! Who are you taking?" Celty asks, excitedly. "Haha, very funny, Celty. No one. I'm not going." I say, leaning against my locker. "Why? Come on, Izaya!" Celty says, pouting. "No way in hell, Celty. We all know no one wants to go with me. There's no point in going when no one likes me." I say. "People like you, Izaya! You have friends!" she exclaims. _What friends? You left me. You were all I had. _"Then explain why I'm always alone, and I've been bullied by almost the whole school." I say, sighing, and walking to my last class of the day.

As the bell rings and I sit down, I copy down the warm up on the board. Once I'm finished and we're waiting on the class, I look down a few seats, and see him. The perfect, blonde angel. Shizuo. For years, I've watched him, whether it be class or in the hall, or wherever. I know, I sound like a girl, and I sound like a stalker, but I'm not. Celty literally went to Shinra's house and things like that. _That _is what you call stalking. I've been lucky enough in this class (I'm in Chemistry with Shizuo last hour, I also have gym with him 3rd hour) to not get put in a group with him. If I do, I swear...I don't know. I'll probably get flustered, or I won't be able to act normal. Basically through all of class, we were getting instructions on a lab we are doing through next week. Now, there's only 5 minutes left of class, and she's partnering people in groups of two. I'm not really paying attention then I hear _the worst thing possible. _"Shizuo Heiwajima and Izaya Orihara." _NO! _and with that, the final bell rings. _Damnit, no...No..._

I walk to my locker, nervous as hell. _I am going to have a panic attack. At least it's Friday and I can try to figure it out over the weekend... _

~Friday Night~ (A/N: I apologize in advance if this gets rushed or I have too many time skips.)

I lay on my bed and read a manga called _Sekaiichi Hatsukoi: World's Greatest First Love. _(A/N: I KNOW I KNOW! I think you'll understand in a minute why I picked a shoujo shounen-ai manga for him to read.) _Why can't love and life be as simple as a shoujo manga? When there is always happy endings, and the two people have mutual feelings..I wish my life could be as simple as this manga. _With that, I chuck the book onto the ground, and I lay down. As I start to drift off, my phone vibrates.

_Incoming Call: Celty Sturluson_

I sigh and pick up the phone. "Hello?" I ask. "Hi!" she says. "Hi..." I say. "Izaya, what's up with you lately?" she asks. "You should damn well know what's wrong with me." I say. "What?! What did I do?" she asks. "Ever since you started dating..._him! _You left me alone!" I yell. "Izaya, it's not like we were dating. Is that why you won't go to prom?" she asks. "I meant, you left me alone and you were my _best friend! _And fuck no! I'm not going to prom for reasons you don't need to know." I say, pissed off. _Damn it! I shouldn't have said that. Once you say something is private, she doesn't give up until you tell her! _"Izaya, why aren't you going?" she asks. "Because! I don't want to sit there and watch you and that fucking prick kiss and dance all night! He's the reason you left me!" I say, losing it. "I see. You're jealous." she states. "I am _not _fucking jealous!" I exclaim. "You must be, otherwise you wouldn't be so pissed!" she says. "Like fucking hell I am jealous! The only reason I would be jealous was if you-" I cut myself off. _That was so close. I almost said it. The only reason I would be jealous is because she could be around Shizuo._

"If I what, Izaya?" she asks. "The only reason I would be jealous is because you'd be around Shizuo!" I yell. "SEE!? You are jealous! You don't want me around other men because you like me! I know that's it!" she states. _Celty, shut the fuck up. I am getting at the end of my rope here. _"FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME...I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU!" I yell. _ISN'T IT FUCKING OBVIOUS I'M GAY NOW?! _"The only reason you would be jealous is because you like me! That's the only logic-" "Okay, _Spock._" I say, sarcastically. "Listen, you don't seem to get it, so I'll tell you because your oblivious ass won't give up the fact you think I like you. I am _not _attracted to you, no way in hell would I ever be attracted to you. I wouldn't be attracted to you, Erika, or any other fucking girl in this entire world. I'd be jealous because you'd be around Shizuo, because I love Shizuo. I am at the end of my fucking rope with you, Celty. I am gay, and I know you think it's gross, just like everyone else. Say what you will about me, but you are so fucking blinded by your love for Shinra. Fuck, love would be an _understatement. _Your _obsession _with Shinra. When you did care about me, if you _ever _did, you fucking stalked Shinra for fucking years. I think...no, I _know _you did a majority of it for the popularity. You didn't want to be known for hanging out with an outcast, and ever since, you've ignored me. Say what you fucking will, but I will win. You see, I'm afraid of death, so there's no fucking way I'd kill myself. Tell me all you want about how I'm sinning, but I don't believe in God. You can't commit suicide thinking there will be no pain after. But once you tell someone, I'll make _sure _I get your asses expelled or I get you back. At least the fucking love I have for Shizuo is _real, not an obsession. _I don't want to be popular like you! I avoid him because the populars scare me! Call me a fag, call me weak, whatever! Just know, you've been best friends with a "fag" or whatever you want to call me since childhood. I'm sick of waiting for you to talk to me or hang out with me. _I'm done. _I'm sorry that Shinra and popularity was better than your own best friend. _Goodbye_, Celty. _Don't __**ever **__call me again. _Good fucking bye." I finished, hanging up.

_I finally got that off my chest. I know it'll be the talk of the school once I get back on Monday. But like I said, I'm afraid of death. I want to live the longest I can. I believe in no afterlife, no God, no Heaven. Much less do I believe in a virtuous life. Every one lies at some point and everyone hides things. I lie about being straight, I hide being gay. Not even I can lead a virtuous life. But when there is pain and suffering in the world, you can't kill yourself expecting after you will have relief. You have no idea what is held after you die. I can't kill myself, because you cannot know there will be no pain. I can't sin, or go to heaven or hell. I simply don't believe there is a God, so whoever says that's where I am going could be right, but they could be wrong. They believe in a Heaven and judgment day, and I do not. After everyone has their own chance at living, there is a 50/50 chance I am right or wrong. I guess you find out once you die._

~Monday At School- Chemistry~ (A/N: Prom is held on Friday.)

"Get in your groups!" my teacher says, and I walk over into the lab, and sit down awkwardly next to Shizuo. "Hi...Uh...I'm Izaya." I say, feeling a light blush cover my face. _Damnit! Stop blushing and act normal! _"Yeah, I know who you are. Celty told me about you." he says. _I'm assuming she said something awhile back. _"O-Oh really?" I ask. "Yeah." he says. The rest of class goes by fine, and I am relieved. _She didn't tell him. I am so relieved right now. Maybe she won't tell anyone. At least tonight I'll be able to sleep, and not panic._

~Tuesday At School- Gym~ (A/N: Sorry for time skip!)

As I walk into the locker room, I see Kyohei, Shizuo, and Walker standing there. _Oh, they must have gotten here early as well. _I feel and see them all staring at me. "C-Can I help you?" I ask. "You've got some nerve, Orihara." Kyohei says. "What are you talking about?" I ask. "Don't act like you don't know," Walker chimed in. "We know your little secret." "I still don't-" "Don't play stupid with us, fag!" Kyohei says. Thats when all color drains from my face, and I start sweating. "She told me everything. She told me you like me." Shizuo started, and began walking towards me. I start to back away, and Shizuo pushes me against the lockers. "Shizuo-" "Don't talk! Your disgusting, you know that? Your lucky I'm not going to be you senseless, because if I did, someone would see." Shizuo says, roughly pushing me away. "You better go change in one of the stalls, I don't want you checking me out." Shizuo says, and I run out of the locker room. I run out of the gym and to the office, and I lie and say I'm not feeling well, and I go home.

~Tuesday Night~

I sit at my computer, and stare blankly at the screen. _I didn't know that would happen..._ As I start to type my essay for history, my computer makes a noise, and the other tab says _Facebook (1) _I click on it, and I have a message..._from Shizuo. _I stare in horror at my screen, and I hesitate to open it, but I do. It reads:

_Shizuo: Hah, your such a coward. I saw you left school today._

_Izaya: I didn't feel well._

_Shizuo: Whatever. You left because you knew if you didn't, we would beat you senseless._

_Izaya: ..._

_Shizuo: What? Not replying because you know I'm right?_

_Izaya: Now, I want to know why I fell in love with a sick bastard like you. You feel so terrible about yourself you have to terrorize me._

_Shizuo: I do not feel terrible about myself. It's because your disgusting._

_Izaya: How is loving another human being disgusting, exactly?_

_Shizuo: It isn't disgusting to love another human being, as long as it's the opposite sex._

_Izaya: Are you fucking kidding me?_

_Shizuo: It's a choice. You could choose to love a man or a woman and you chose to love another man. _

_Izaya: What the fuck? It isn't a choice. I've tried to love a woman before and I felt nothing. _

_Shizuo: Because you felt to choose nothing with another woman._

_Izaya: Fuck you. What the hell would you know? You don't feel that way for another man._

_Shizuo: Because I chose not to feel anything for another man. Because it's wrong. _

_Izaya: And again, you never gave a way how it is wrong. You just say it's wrong. That gives you an invalid response to argue with._

_Shizuo: Loving someone of the same gender is a sin. If you like another gender and act upon those feelings, you will be sent straight to hell. It's not normal. _

_Izaya: Listen, I don't believe in God. So tell me I sin all you want._

_Shizuo: So, it looks like either way you are going to hell._

_Izaya: Your such a fucking prick. _

_Shizuo: Oh really? That's not what it sounded like. It sounded more to me like you wanted to get into my pants and try to turn me gay and make me fall in love with you._

_Izaya: Are you fucking serious? What makes you think I want to make you gay and have sex with you?_

_Shizuo: Any guy who is gay will try to turn another man gay._

_Izaya: Wow. You are an uneducated, sick, bastard. You know nothing._

_Shizuo: I'm not the sick one here. _

_Izaya: Listen, bitch. I knew you were straight and I knew you'd never return the feelings. I never wanted to "try to turn you gay". You are a close-minded, ignorant, bigot. Don't try shoving your religion down my throat again because you are not entitled to choose my religion. Just fuck off already._

_Shizuo: No. I am going to make your life a living hell. I am going to do everything in my power. Because we don't need people like you in this world. Watch your back, because something bad is going to happen to you._

_Shizuo Heiwajima went offline._

I look at the last thing he sent, and I start to shake._ I can't go to that school anymore. My family is already homophobic, I can't come home beat up all day and then have to say: "I'm being beat up because I'm gay." _And for the first time in a long time, I start to cry. I can't go back tomorrow.

~Wednesday Night~

_Shizuo: Can you be any more pathetic? You weren't here again today! What the hell is your deal?_

_Izaya: Can you leave me the fuck alone? My deal is you. I want you and your fucking group of friends to stop harassing me. _

_Shizuo: No way in hell._

_*Shizuo has invited Walker Yumisaki, Shinra Kishitani, and Kyohei Kadota to the chat*_

_Shinra: I always knew there was something wrong with you, Orihara._

_Izaya: Fuck off, Shinra. Your a bastard, you took Celty from me and made her turn into one of you guys._

_Shinra: She told me if she had known you were gay, she never would've hung out with you._

_Walker: We overpower you. There's 4 of us and one of you._

_*Kyohei has invited Erika Karisawa and Celty Sturluson to the chat*_

_Kyohei: Now there's 6 of us and one of you._

_Izaya: Fuck off, all of you!_

_Erika: You have a lot of nerve swearing at us like that._

_Celty: You know, Izaya, I have your phone number and your address._

_Izaya: And what's your fucking point?_

_Shizuo: She can give us your address._

_Izaya: And just what can you do with that?_

_Walker: We can come to your house and beat you up._

_Celty: We can also tell your homophobic parents._

_Shizuo: Guys, I have a better idea._

_Kyohei: What?_

_Shizuo: We could kill him._

I stare in horror at the screen. _Why...?_

_Kyohei: That's a great idea._

_Izaya: Celty, DO NOT give them my address._

_Celty: I think killing him isn't needed...yet._

_Izaya: Fuck off! Now! _

I'm now shaking and crying. I said I was afraid of death didn't I?

_Shizuo: No way!_

_Celty: We all hate you._

_Walker: You should kill yourself._

Before I can read anymore, I log out and close my computer. I'm shaking and crying. I've never been this scared in my life. I'm screwed. I have nothing to do and nowhere to go. I continue crying and shaking. Everything holds no meaning anymore. All the sudden, my phone vibrates.

_New Text Message_

_Shizuo: Your so pathetic. _

I suddenly shut my phone off and throw it against the wall, and it shatters. "What's the point...?" I ask myself. "I know I said I was afraid of death, but now...I'm afraid to live." I whisper, my voice shaky. _I know I said you can't kill yourself expecting there will be no pain...but...now that I'm in this position, I don't fucking care anymore. I'm doing it. No one wants me here. I'll die anyway...but...it's my fault...it's all my fault..._

My eyesight is blurry with tears that continue to fall, and I run to the bathroom. I lock the door, take out my razor, and take out the blade. I then slam my back against the door and sink to the floor. I don't hesitate whatsoever. I take the razor, and drag it across my wrist. The blade gleams in the light as I continue to cut my wrists, and crimson begins dripping down my arms. "So so pretty..." I whisper. I know this won't be enough to kill me. I cut deeper on my wrist, then cut my arm and forearm. I then do the same to my other arm and wrist. Cutting away at my skin...because I deserve it. I don't want to live another second. I hate myself. Just like everyone else. They were right. No one needs me living. I don't want to have to burden people. I continue to shake, cry, and cut. I start to feel a little light headed, and I feel woozy. The room resonates with my cries and smells like fresh blood. I'm starting to lose consciousness, and I think my last thoughts.

_I was afraid of death, and you made me afraid to live. Off to nowhere or hell I go..._

A/N: Damn! This ended up longer than I expected it to. I didn't mean to offend anyone by writing this. But, I have gotten harassment for the same thing Izaya is getting harassed for, and I feel like it makes people think of what they say can affect what someone does. I myself, am afraid to live now because of the harassment. I hope you enjoyed, it didn't turn out well in my opinion. Please read and review, and again, I didn't mean to offend. I just wanted people to realize people who do that need to think of their actions before harassing someone. Please R&R! Thank you for the love and support! PLEASE NO FLAMING.

-Maddie


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